We are living in an ever evolving world. One day there’s one giant land mass called Pangea. You blink and there’s multiple different continents with fractured countries and islands all over the place. Almost nothing stays the same in the world we live in. The weather changes. The plants and animals change. And we change. Humans are always changing and evolving. One second we shuffle on all four limbs. The next second we’re standing straight up and walking on two legs. It’s amazing to think and almost impossible to see happen. Our changes often happen gradually over centuries. It’s like drinking a glass of water one drop at a time. You’ll eventually finish it but to the average person you’re not drinking any at all.
Sometimes it’s great to change slowly over time. Imagine trying to learn math if your first grade teacher jumped right into quadratic equations. It would be shocking and difficult to understand. But other times it’s much better to make big bold changes to completely pivot your life. I remember my uncle teaching me to swim by just throwing a ten year old me right into the five feet. It was life or death. I was either going to make my way out the deep feet or drown right there and then. I learned how to swim in less than 24 hours. We have to be aware of our small gradual changes while being careful when we make big changes. You should always know why you make big bold changes. So what is the biggest change you have made in your life in the last year?
Here’s a short story on the biggest change I’ve made in my life this year.
I grabbed my phone and wallet out the tray and stuffed them in my pocket. I slipped my sneakers on and started walking towards the gates. I was actually about to get on a plane to Phoenix just because. I mean it wasn’t just because. We knew it was what we needed. We both agreed. But when Dwayne and I bought these tickets a month before we were just brainstorming ideas. We weren’t happy with the current state of business and we were on our last straw. So we took the last thousand bucks in our account and bought two tickets to Phoenix, Arizona. We needed to be somewhere that we could clear our minds and focus.
I looked around at everyone traveling for summer vacation and started laughing. I had no idea what I was doing getting on this plane right now. I should of been on vacation somewhere in the Bahamas. But I felt this was right so I inched closer and closer in line to scan my ticket. It had been almost a year since I traveled alone. But I knew Dwayne had to host his art show this week. So here I was sitting on a plane to Phoenix with no real reason. And I felt really anxious. Every ten minutes on the plane I had a new panic attack. I shouldn’t have been flying hundreds of miles from home all alone. This never ended well all the times before.
But eventually I landed and ended up in Phoenix. I went to the pad we were renting out for the month. It was beautiful. It was everything I expected. It was in a great location. It was clean and very modern. There were a lot of things to do in the area. And the owners were very friendly and super understanding. So I packed my bags out and started exploring. I was happy. It was like a fresh start for once. All my baggage and troubles were left in Atlanta, Georgia. Or at least that’s what I thought. When I was I done exploring I found myself confused on what to do. There were a couple options but I just sat on the couch and turned on tv. Then the happiness slowly faded away.
And then my true feelings came rushing in. I was in total chaos in my life. I hated everything about who I was. I was taking pills for the silliest of reasons. I could stub my toe on the dresser and run to take a pill to supposedly ease the pain. I would sit around and watch tv shows that I cared absolutely nothing about. I would lay in bed and think of all the amazing things I wanted to do with my life. But I never got up and did anything about it. So I just took some meds and chilled out for the whole time. Then when the sun went down I felt the loneliness that was truly surrounding me. I was completely lost in life.
I started tearing up with my face in palms. There was no point to life. Why go through this kind of pain for years and suffer over and over. Life is a cold, dark, and twisted place. I didn’t deserve this. All of this pain, emotions, and confusion and it was only the first day. Dwayne wouldn’t be here until a whole nine days later. Every day it became progressively worse. I was going for walks and thinking of walking into traffic. I would take showers and break down on the floor in tears. I would abuse my pills for things that were miniscule. I ended up in a pain crises with no medicine and got hospitalized. It was sad. I hated my existence.
When Dwayne came it took some time but my mind started getting better. As we worked nonstop on business I started finding my purpose again. I was slowly getting happier. I was getting in touch with my true feelings and emotions. I made a decision to stop taking pills, or indulging in things that would ultimately hurt me in the long run. I felt so confident by the last two days of June. I was becoming myself again. But I was leaving Phoenix and heading back to the same toxic environment that spawned those dark habits. I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t want to go back to the shitty me. I decided that I would from this day forward be very cognizant of what I consume including all drugs, entertainment, and even food. The biggest change I made was protecting my mind at all costs.
Because our minds are our greatest strengths and weaknesses all at the same time.