What do you think about when you lie awake in bed?

We’ve all had one of those nights. You get in bed and have every intention of slowly falling asleep. As the night goes on, you realize that you’re not falling asleep. Maybe you even get really tired. But for whatever reason you just won’t fall completely asleep. An extra few minutes turn into an extra few hours. You look at the clock and it’s 3 a.m. in the morning. You got in bed at 10 p.m. And it seems like the longest night when you twist and turn all night long. You switch from channel to show to movie in an endless loop.

Some people deal with this insomnia daily while others just experience once it every once in awhile. But we can all agree that in those long nights our minds seem to wander endlessly. There’s no one to talk to so all we can do is think. And the thoughts we have usually seem like random and insignificant. Truthfully, all of our thoughts have a meaning and place in our lives. It can be something we’re actively trying to overcome in life. Or maybe your thoughts are something you’ve had on your mind unconsciously for a long time. You have to take note of those thoughts because they can have a bigger meaning. So what do you think about when you lie awake in bed?

Here’s a short story on what I think about when I lie awake in bed.

It wasn’t even time to go to bed. I mean I don’t have an actual bedtime these days. But you know how most adults have a vague idea of around what time they’d like to be in bed. It was nowhere near 10 p.m. It was 8 p.m. but I just felt like getting in bed early. There was nothing much to my days as of late. And recently I’ve just wanted my days to end as soon as possible. The less time I had to be in my head the better. The problem was I taken that same approach all day as well. I took one too many unnecessary naps during the evening. So I was nowhere near tired laying in bed. And to think this all happened just yesterday.

So I turned on some Youtube videos that piqued my interest. They were fun and all but it was getting hard to pay attention. I wanted something to stimulate my mind but I didn’t feel like retaining all the info some of these Youtubers drop. I can’t learn when I want to shut down. Even though I knew there would be no shutting down tonight. So I went out on a limb and turned off the tv. I turned on some music to play lowly in the background instead. It was nice. But it wasn’t getting me to sleep any faster than Youtube or Netflix. I was still just up.

At this point I was starting to get anxious. So I took two CBD gummies which should calm and relax my body. They often make me very tired in about thirty minutes. This was my last hope to getting to sleep at a reasonable time. I looked at the clock an hour later and it was 11 p.m. And I was no more tired than I was when I first started. The CBD gummies weren’t doing anything for me. I knew it was bound to be a long night at this point. And there was nothing else I could think of to stimulate my mind. The music was just playing in the background. I would hum the words as I laid there envious that DeAsia was sound asleep beside me.

I guess those are the perks of having a job that works you like a slave. You walk in and collapse on your bed. There’s no extra steps needed. But I was stuck. I was stuck in my bed with nowhere to go and nothing to do except one thing. I could think. I was in my mind thinking about many different things. I know how my mind gets too. Once I start thinking deeply about one thing it becomes a chain effect. I’ll end up in twenty different subjects with a hundred different thoughts. Some of them might be good and inspiring. And others might be dark and depressing. It just depends on the night. But because I knew what the last few days were like, I knew it would be a night with dark thoughts.

So the truth is I don’t think of any one thing when I’m up late in bed. I think of a million different random things. These things can range all over the place with no apparent rhyme or reason. This night was one of those nights where there was absolutely no clear connections. I remember thinking about business vividly. Will we be able to turn our business around. Will our business be here a year from now? If the business is here a year from now, will we reach the milestones we’ve set for ourselves? Am I burning ties to the people I care about? When is it just too much social pressure? Why do I feel so pressured?

Those are some of the questions that crossed my mind last night. I also remember thinking things like… I don’t want my mom to hate me. I don’t want my best friend to hate me. Nobody will ever understand me in life. I hate that I ever started answering one question a day. I don’t want to leave this room for the rest of the year. I don’t want to do this anymore. Life is a cold place. Life is torture. Nobody deserves the pains this life has brought us. We didn’t ask for this pain. And personally, I didn’t ask for this pain. That’s just a few things that crossed my mind that night. And to think I probably didn’t get to sleep until around 3 a.m.

And it’s worse because I barely stayed asleep. Let’s hope I dream better tonight.

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