How have you sabotaged yourself in the past five years?

We all hope for the very best in life. We wake up every morning and hope that everything will happen perfectly. We all want the beautiful hero story with the fairytale ending for ourselves. The real world ends up being nothing like that. So many people are given trials that they never deserved. Imagine being locked up your whole life for a crime that you never committed. That’s the ultimate disjustice. And that happens in a world that not only is corrupt but is run by imperfect humans. So although we hope for the best we often get the real. There will be good times and amazing accomplishments in almost anyone’s life. But there will certainly be bad as well.

The world will drag us down to the darkest depths of life where hope and inspiration don’t exist. And it sucks when we go through hard times in life. We’re quick to curse others, the world, and even God in those situations. But we rarely turn our hand around to point our fingers at ourselves. The truth is many times we hold ourselves back from greatness. We sabotage the success and happiness that we’re so close to getting. Sometimes it’s because we’re scared of success. Other times we might secretly feel like we don’t truly deserve the happiness we dream of. But either way, we can never find success if we personally hold ourselves back from it. You have to be on top of when and how you prevent yourself from success. So how have you sabotaged yourself in the past five years?

Here’s a short story on how I’ve sabotage myself in the past five years.

I looked up at my mom and started to smile. I knew it was finally time to get out. The nurse walked in, gave me a pen and sat the discharge papers on my lap. I looked at my mom and she just nodded. I signed my signature on each page of the packet. I stuck my hand out and let the nurse peel the IV out of my forearm. I rubbed the gray sticky residue off as I grabbed my shirt. My mom stood up and told me she was going to get the car. I waited for her to leave then I took my patient gown off and put on my yellow shirt. I remember how bad the shirt smelled sitting in a damp plastic bag for almost two weeks. I grabbed my bag did one last check around the room and walked right out the door.

As soon as I reached the lobby my mom was there waiting at the front. I always loved when everything timed so perfectly. Nobody wants to stand outside a hospital waiting to get picked up by an Uber or something. I threw my bags in the back seat and jumped in the front seat. My mom rubbed my leg and told me she was proud of me. I asked her what for. She said she was proud of me for being so tough and pushing through all the pain. I thought back to how bad I felt entering the ER earlier that month. It was excruciating pain all throughout my back. I could barely breathe on rythym because of how intense the pain was. And now two weeks later, here I was in the car with my mom heading home. It’s always a struggle of the body and mind.

I opened up my phone and powered it back up. My mom asked what I wanted to get to eat. I told her it didn’t really matter to me what we ate. My phone immediately ringing back to back as my screen flooded with notifications. There were tens of emails, lots of get well texts, and random comments on Instagram. I was flustered and slowly started browsing through Instagram. I never really used my phone when I was hospitalized. It was the last priority on my mind laying up with tubes and stickers all over my body. My mom started pointing out different restaurants we were passing on the street. There was a Chick-fil-a, a Panera Bread, and a Panda Express coming up. I knew my mom didn’t really like any of the places I normally eat so I passed each one of them up. I didn’t have an appetite for food to begin with.

Then we got close to a Jamaican restaurant that my mom loved eating. I told her I wanted to eat there because I knew she wanted to. Plus it was still breakfast time so they were serving corn porridge which we both loved. While my mom was inside ordering I started reading through my texts. Lots of family members sent well wishes. I was overwhelmed and didn’t feel like responding to all of them at the same time. I swiped my messaging app down and opened up my emails instead. It was even worse than the messages. It was filled with customers asking for help on my website. Some people wanted to cancel and others wanted help uploading their art to the site. Surpisingly I was able to go through and start replying to some work emails. Work was always kind of calming to me in a weird way.

My mom walked back in with a bag tied up with two foam cups of hot porridge. It smelled delicious as we opened up right there in the car. I gave my mom her cup and a spoon. We both took a scoop, cooled it off, and tasted the porridge. Then we just looked at each other and started smiling. It tasted ten times better than it smelled. We took off in the car as I finished replying to another email. Then I came across an email from the expo in Texas coming up this weekend. I was so shocked that almost dropping the scorching hot porridge all over my lap. I completely forgot we had an expo this weekend for the business. And I was supposed to be there selling with Dwayne. I told my mom that I would be flying out to Texas in two days. She was upset. She didn’t want me to overwork myself and said I should stay home.

I told my mom that I had to go in order keep growing my business. We argued back and forth for the next thirty minutes. Our whole porridge date was ruined. I contemplated staying but instead decided I had to go. Then I called Dwayne and told him to make sure my ticket and everything was good. He tried convincing me not to go too. But rather I persuaded him into letting me make my own decisions as an adult. And that was that. Two days later with barely any rest, I headed out to Texas for an expo. I struggled with pain and had to leave Texas early because of it. That was a repeating story of that Summer. I sabotaged myself over and over again by working non-stop. I overworked myself week after week and comprimised my personal health. I put my business over my health and payed the price for it with multiple hospital admissions all year long.

Now I’ve learned my lesson. You can’t run a business from the graveyard. Health over business. Period.

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